Blizzard’s Warlord’s of Draenor April Fool’s Day “Class Changes” Patch Notes…
- Death Knight voice modulation has been reduced to infrasound frequencies. Blizzard shall not be held responsible for any damage to subwoofers or loss of control of bodily functions as a result.
- Brittle Bones now has a 50% chance to turn the target into a purple-wearing supervillain.
- Threat of Thassarian tooltip changed to explain who the hell Thassarian is.
- Due to circumstances beyond our control, the pact has been unsealed.
- Using Death Grip on something larger than your character will cause you to be pulled toward the creature instead of the creature being pulled toward you. Gnomes should just probably not be Death Knights.
- To equalize utility between classes we have removed the Druid’s fifth spec.
- Symbiosis now also inherits all raid and boss lockouts from the target.
- Chatting while in Cat Form will now be presented with poor spelling, in all caps, using the Impact font.
- Druids in Bear Form now receive a bonus to Fishing.
- Druids in Moonkin Form are now 50% more delicious. As always, we recommend Free Range Moonkin whenever available.
- Tree of Life form now has a healing penalty during Autumn and Winter.
- For safety, all Hunters must now wear bright orange vests at all times.
- New Pet System: Obedience
- Pets now have an Obedience level. Each new pet must now be carefully trained over weeks and months for several hours a day to increase its Obedience level. A pet with full Obedience will obey commands 90% of the time. Pets without full Obedience may randomly decide to chase critters, make messes indiscriminately, pursue other players on mounts, or sleep instead of following a command.
- Typing /SQUIRREL will reduce all nearby pets’ Obedience level.
- Pets acquired above level 1 increase their Obedience level at a significantly reduced rate.
- Bows and Crossbows now use the Gun sounds.
- Aspect of the Hawk now provides a 30% bonus to Attack Power, up from 25%.
- Aspect of the Pack has been renamed to Aspect of the Doge. Many daze, much anger, so mystery, wow!
- Hunters now have access to an exclusive weapon type: Straw. From not-so-great distances, spatter your enemies with unique abilities Spit-wad, Backwash, Snot Rocket, and Booger Barrage.
- Snake Trap now catches 50% more snakes.
- Using the Mage spell Blink will now attract the attention of creepy angel statues. Don’t “Blink.”
- To make playing a Mage more enjoyable, players who use the words “tray,” “food,” “drink,” “table,” “snack,” “mage,” or “pls” in Raid, Party, Battleground, Say, Yell, General, or Trade channels within a Mage’s hearing are killed instantly.
- All existing Portal spells have been removed.
- New Ability: Portal: Walkmaster summons your own personal Walkmaster to lead you to your destination.
- New Ability: Polymorph Polymorphism, transforms the enemy into a slightly different version of themselves.
- Time Warp now requires just a jump to the left.
- Fixed a typo. Ice Floes is now correctly spelled Ice Flows.
- Mage Armor has a new icon.
- Ring of Frost has been replaced by Ring of Fire for Fire-specced Mages, and it burns, burns, burns.
- New vegan Conjure options have been added, including Conjure Soyfreshment, Conjure Fennel Bean Gem, and Conjure Avocado Asparagus Tartine with a Miso Sesame Winter Squash Gastrique.
- Due to ratings concerns, all references to “brew” have been replaced with “giggle juice.”
- The amount healed by Healing Sphere has been increased by 1000%, because RUN OVER THE HEALING SPHERES.
- Blackout Kick now causes the victim to wake up the next day and question their life choices.
- Legacy of the White Tiger critical strike chance is now increased by 10% for all characters with green eyes.
- Detox now sends instructions to the target about this new diet you’ve been reading about.
- Turn Evil can now be cast on players and NPCs. When used, it applies a small dark goatee and causes them to constantly explain their diabolical plans while steepling their fingers.
- Cleanse now surrounds the target with an outhouse and asks everyone to not talk for a bit.
- New Ability: Renounce. When cast, Renounce permanently changes the Paladin into a Warrior.
- Eternal Flame now correctly sets the targeted player on fire, forever.
- If Diablo III: Reaper of Souls is installed, Paladin characters will stare longingly over a fence at the Crusader, and then look away and pretend to be picking their nails if the Crusader notices.
- Shadow Priests have been retuned to be almost as good as Warlocks in every way. Almost.
- Chakra, when the walls fell.
- Vampiric Embrace now calls upon a glittery vampire to hold you and tell you he will always protect you, Bella.
- Mind Sear has been renamed Mind Seer, allowing the Priest to see things no else can see. Do things no one else can do. Is it getting warm in here?
- The Discipline passive Train of Thought can now be interrupted. Probably by the garbage truck, or that dog that just never stops barking whenever they let it outside.
- Mind Seer plays tricks on you. You play tricks back! It’s like you’re unraveling a big cable-knit sweater that someone keeps knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting…
- New Spell: Holy Diver. Sends the caster down too long in the Midnight Sea.
- Rogue specializations have been renamed to better encapsulate the skills and gameplay they represent.
- Assassination is now known as “Stabby”
- Combat is now known as “Pokey”
- Subtlety is now known as “Shanky”
- To help resolve spelling issues once and for all, Rogues have been renamed to Blush.
- Blush can once again use Bucklers!
- Blush no longer have access to the ability Swash, but at least they can still Buckle.
- Fan of Knives now also makes your family kind of worried about you.
- Cloak and Dagger continues to remind you of that Dabney Coleman movie from the 80s with the old couple that really freaked you out.
- Rockbiter Totem now transforms the Shaman into a large stone elemental that cannot save their friends, despite having such big, strong hands.
- Rolling Thunder now also causes lightning to strike.
- Mail Specialization now correctly applies to female Shaman as well. Sorry about that, we misread it.
- The talent Rushing Streams now also really makes you have to pee.
- Casting Unleash Flame will now ignite your Healing Rain spell, setting fire to it.
- We give up. Shaman is now spelled “Shawmun.”
- All spells and abilities have been significantly revamped. Again. You’ll figure it out.
- Warlocks are now overpowered. This will be addressed in a future expansion.
- Riding Felsteeds single file into battle will no longer hide Warlock numbers.
- Warriors have been nerfed because reasons.
- Charge no longer stuns a target, and instead roots them for 1.5 seconds.
- New ability: Heroic Sit. All that mobility makes Warriors tired. Using Charge more than once in a 10-minute period now applies the “I’m tiiiiiired” debuff, which can be removed by employing Heroic Sit. Heroic Sit roots the Warrior in place, puts on the ballgame, and gives the Warrior an ice-cold giggle juice.
- Charge no longer roots a target, and instead stuns them for 1.5 seconds.
- Intervene can now be used when your one friend gets out of hand at the bar again because he can NOT go back to County.
- Charge no longer roots or stuns a target, and instead Polymorphs them for 1.5 seconds.
- Shockwave is now aGlyph of Rude Interruption is here too! How’s it going? Just wanted to say hey.
- Charge is now a passive effect.
- Disarm now correctly removes the targets’ arms.
- You know what? Charge has been removed from the game. OK? Great job. We hope you’re happy.
- The Protection passive Ultimatum just isn’t going to put up with it anymore. It’s either me or her, Jerry!